I feel so ill. My throat is killing me, I have a temperature and a headache that has lasted three days now (on and off). I’ve taken lemsip tablets and a strepsil and it’s taken the edge off but I still feel gross. I really just want to be tucked up in James’ bed reading my book until he comes home from work and makes me better but instead I’m in my bed because I got grumpy with him at work (it was half him being inconsiderate and half me overreacting and being stubborn) and I should probably apologise and then I could go back to work and get his keys but I’m still grumpy and now I’ve sat down I don’t want to move.
I love that James and I call ourselves “Team BJ”, and whenever anything happens (like my housemate saying really inappropriate things to him in front of me, or when people are over but I don’t feel like hanging out) he’ll whisper it to me and squeeze my hand. Like it’s our little solidarity thing. I dunno I just think it’s so silly and cute.
I just applied for a job. It’s really similar to what I do now except that it’s in a business park (so I’d have to get a bus there) and it’s only Monday to Friday (oh my God I’d have weekends off and Christmas and New Years and Bank Holidays what the hell) and you get to drive a van around delivering business lunches! It sounds really awesome to be honest, but half of me wants to throw up because CHANGE. Also because delivering business lunches sounds scary and like it would make my anxiety go cray BUT feel the fear and do it anyway right? I may not even get it so I’m trying not to worry yet. But I kinda hope I do, and I kinda hope that it’s good money because if it’s less than what I earn now I won’t be able to take it as I have to factor in bus fares too.
I just submitted my final assignment for Spanish and completed the last iCMA I had left to do. I’m completely finished for a whole year. I’m actually really happy that I’m not going to Uni this year now because I can enjoy a whole year of doing WHATEVER I WANT without a voice in my head going “You should be doing Uni work”. I can’t wait to read books at my leisure, and start cross stitching again, and I can start on my millions of sewing projects I never got round to and OH I CAN PLAY GAMES, I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO PLAY ANY GAMES IN AGES. And I can be lazy and not feel bad about it. When I move I won’t have to worry about Uni work on top of that and I can go on as many holidays as I can squeeze in. Why was I ever sad about deferring? Best thing that’s ever happened, this year is gonna be awesome. I’m really gonna enjoy it before the work starts again, don’t get me wrong I’m excited to start Uni full time but I know it’s going to be a lot of work so I’m gonna make sure I enjoy this year of freedom.
I can’t believe how different my life was a year ago.
I was living at my mum’s (anyone who knows me well knows the shit I’ve been through with my mum, and although I love her very much living with her is the worst). I was going to therapy for anxiety/low moods, which were ruling my life. I was constantly worried, afraid and felt like I was worthless. I was in a relationship with someone who never wanted to see me and was really critical of everything I did. I felt like I had no future at all.
Now I have my own house, my relationship with my mum is much better because I don’t live with her any more. Although my anxiety is always present I am so much better at managing it now. I have bad days but they are few and far between and I know how to cope when things get me down now. Just recently I got a lot of bad news in the space of a week and I handled it so well, I was upset but I didn’t let it drag me into a downward spiral, I allowed myself time to be upset but I knew things would get better (and they did). I am so much more positive. I’m in a relationship with someone who loves me for who I am and makes me feel appreciated and loved. I got a place at University and am starting next year.
I still feel like I have a long way to go in terms of being who I want to be but I have come so far since last year and I’m so much happier now.
So excited for the next few months.
- Frank Turner at the UEA this Thursday
- James’ birthday on the 18th
- London with James on the 22nd to see Wicked/do London-y things (recommend awesome stuff to do please)
- If all goes to plan I’ll be moving into James’ place in the new year
- Prague in February for our anniversary (hopefully)
- Greece next summer
- Then if all goes to plan we’ll be moving in to our very own place by September
Happy happy happy.
I REALLY LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS
"It’s not just about sex. Don’t get me wrong. Sex is fucking great, but when you have a connection with someone, when you feel so strong for someone, just a kiss is enough to make your knees weak. You just can’t beat that."